


Owner Of A Lonely Heart

by sin_grumps



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party - Fandom
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 10:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10511928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sin_grumps/pseuds/sin_grumps
Summary: The post-show funk gets to Dan, and his mind goes to some bad places. Luckily Brian is there to rip it a new one. [rated Teen for a bit of swearing]





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saiq2004](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saiq2004/gifts), [HerbertBest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerbertBest/gifts).



It‘s unreal sometimes, the effect that he as a person can apparently have on people. To think that he’s even able to do so much for so many people, by just making music about dicks and sitting on a couch playing video games. It’s all incredibly odd, and he’s reminded of it every time something big happens, like a con or a concert or a show.

Sometimes it’s overwhelming, like all those who come in a row with their own problems and crack when they get to speak to him. And he can’t help them. He can only absorb what they say and try and convince them that they are stronger than they think, and that he’s honored and humbled that they think so highly of him, that what he does could bring some light into their lives. It’s heartbreaking, because he knows what it’s like to feel that way, but he can’t do much more than to just be there and continue what he’s already doing, to maybe help inspire them. If only to keep seeing the sun rise.

Other times it’s rewarding, in the sense that he can feel that he’s accomplished something great, something he’s worked for basically his entire life. To have this audience and wide array of fans who love his work, whether it’s comedy or music or whatever, is so wonderful. And it gets him every time when the fans come up to him and sing his praises, sometimes literally, and he can’t help but feel like he absorbs this as well.

In a sense, it’s two halves of the same coin, with vastly different responses in his mind. Tonight is no different. There’d been a meet-and-greet after the concert, and it’s the usual barrage of fans who want to talk to him and declare their love for him. Not that he minds it, oh God no, he appreciates every second of it. It can just get a bit exhausting over time. He gives his usual hugs, letting the fans either feel ecstatic for a moment or cry into his shoulder for a second. It really is rewarding. But just like any other time, he has absorbed every single bit of what they’ve told him; he’s pictured it all, felt it all, and at one point he actually had to stop the line to just take a moment to breathe.

He’s not sure when the rush of the show and the meetups wore off, but he’s now in his hotel bed, looking up at the ceiling and letting his mind wander. Which is usually never a good thing, but he lets it happen. Maybe it will clear so he can get some rest before tomorrow.

The more he thinks, the more it all dawns on him. Every story, every bit of praise, every confession, every adoring look, every happy laugh, it echoes in his mind with no intention of stopping for a while. He sighs, wishing he could see what they see. They’re lucky they always get to see the best of him, they see his intentional inspiring words, his improv, his energy, and that’s what inspires them. That’s why they love him.

And that’s why he hates this kind of post-show funk.

He loves it when it’s happening, but as soon as he’s by himself, alone in a dark room (damn Brent for doing it like this, but oh well), he’s reminded that he’s not a very lovable person. Sure, he is loved, clearly, by fans and friends and family alike, but he’s alone. It sinks in more and more the longer he lies there, and he hates it. He usually knows when to turn his mind off, to not let it take control and start spiraling, but something about post-show moments is different.

His family means it as a bond, his friends mean it platonically, the fans experience infatuation… Nobody seems to actually love Dan. Not in that way, at least. Not in the way that he’s felt starved for since he can remember. There’s some kind of emotional gap, something he desperately needs and wants, but can’t get it for some reason. He’s tried, oh God he’s tried, so many times for so many years, but it never seems to work. Maybe he’s just not cut out for it. Maybe it’s his fear of commitment that drives people off. Maybe it’s his age. Maybe it’s his gangly self and his awkward face. Hell, a friend of his had to be the one he had his first time with, because nobody else wanted him. At the ripe old age of twenty-fucking-three. Who does that? Unattractive and undesirable people. And sure, he’s had his fair share of girlfriends and one-night-stands in the past, but that’s all over now, pretty much.

Dan turns over to his side, willing his mind to stop telling him this, because if he lets it go on for too long, he knows he’ll start to believe it, and that will make everything worse.

Undesirable.

Unlovable.

Unattractive.

Just the image, not the person.

Fuck. It’s building up. The loneliness. The hopelessness. He needs to stop it. Do something.

He sits up on the bed and rubs at his face, feeling absolutely miserable. Without thinking, he grabs his room key and pads out the door, hoping that maybe a walk around the hallways will clear his head a bit.

At least the lights are on, and since it’s the middle of the night not too many people are up, but he can still hear some rummaging here and there. Dan makes his way down the hallway and to the lobby, not really knowing what he’s going for. Just something. Anything. Hell, if someone sees him like this, hair all over the place, bags under his eyes, and the start of a stubble, out in a hotel lobby in his pajamas in the middle of the night, and finds that attractive…

No, scratch that thought, that’s not going to happen.

He lets out a tired groan and turns around, scratching his head in annoyance. It’s not going to shut up any time soon, is it? Fuck, he’s going to be a mess at the show tomorrow.

He doesn’t even look up once he’s reached his floor, and if someone is walking towards him, he doesn’t notice. Nor does he care at this point. He just wants to get into his room, maybe take one of those sleeping pills Suzy gave him, and just knock himself out somehow. He needs to be okay tomorrow, he needs to, he needs to be fresh, he needs to be full of energy, he needs to for the fans, for the band—

“Danny?”

Dan almost drops his room key in surprise, having not expected to almost walk right into Brian in the middle of the hall.

“Brian, what- What’re you doing up?” he asks, steadying himself.

“I could ask you the same question,” Brian says, looking at Dan quizzically. “You okay? You look like death.”

Dan frowns, pressing a hand against his forehead. “Thanks for noticing,” he mumbles. “Just- rough night. Whole lot of things whirling around. Whatever, I’ll just sleep it off,” he adds, about to start walking to his room again.

“What kind of things?” Brian asks, and from the look on his face, it doesn’t look like he’s going to let Dan get away so easily.

“Just things, Brian, it’s not important,” Dan replies, and almost wants to shove Brian away just so he can avoid having this conversation. He feels stupid and pathetic enough as it is without Brian having to rub it in too.

“Clearly it is, or you wouldn’t be up having a walk in the middle of the night,” Brian says, and for a moment Dan curses him for knowing him so well. It must show on Dan’s face, because Brian’s expression softens, and he puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Here, I’ll take you back to your room. I can get the water I was gonna buy later.

“I can walk on my own,” Dan says, but lets Brian guide him to his room anyway. It’s nice. He likes this side of Brian. The one that’s not a complete asshole.

“I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t be nice to my best friend once in a while,” Brian says, and Dan actually smiles at that. For all he can dish out and make fun of, Brian is actually a good friend. It’s nice to get that reminder every now and then.

Once they’re at Dan’s door, Brian turns and starts rubbing Dan’s back as they stand side by side. Dan feels a little tingle in his chest at the touch as he puts in the key to open the door, but says nothing of it. “Well, I’ll, uh… see you tomorrow, then?” he says, expecting Brian to let go of him and give him his usual nod and leave.

“Well yes, but we’re not done here,” Brian replies and motions for Dan to go into the room once he’s opened the door. “I know when something’s bothering you, Danny, you don’t have to sugarcoat it.”

“I’m not, I just—” Dan begins, and then lets out a sigh once Brian is inside and the door is closed again. Brian makes his way to the single chair in the room, next to Dan’s bed, and beckons him over. “Look, it’s really not that big of a deal, I promise. It’s just my stupid overthinking head, that’s all.”

“Your stupid overthinking head can do bad things, you know that,” Brian reminds him, and Dan nods as he sits down on the bed, his legs crossed and his head down. “I know that too, so that’s why I’m also sacrificing my ever-so needed beauty sleep for you. So come on, you can talk to me about it.”

Dan manages a small smile again at the word ‘sacrificing’, because truth be told, that’s something Brian has done a lot of for him. Which might be the reason why he feels like he owes Brian so much all the time. “I don’t know, man, it’s really hard to explain,” he says, pushing some of his hair out of his face.

“I’m a theoretical physicist. Try me,” Brian challenges, and even though he says it in his usual tone, there’s something different about it. Dan almost gasps when he feels a warm hand on his knee and looks up to meet Brian’s gaze. “Please.”

At that, Dan swallows hard. He really doesn’t know where to begin, or to talk about it without sounding like a complete jackass. He tentatively places his hand on top of Brian’s and takes a deep breath, looking down again. “I don’t know it’s like… It’s the empathy thing, right? Like, people will tell you their life stories in these greets, and sometimes it’s awesome, but other times it’s like… It’s like they feel they’re a burden, but they’re not. I know they’re not. They’re these good people that really bad shit has happened to, and they look to us, to me, for inspiration. And to hear it, it’s just… It’s really hard sometimes. Because whatever they’re feeling, and however strongly they feel it, I start to feel it too. I feel for them, I ache for them, and there’s nothing I can do but to just listen and make empty promises that they’ll be okay. Or tell them that their lives are worth it since they’re here – and I mean that. I really do.

“I’ve been there, Brian. I’ve felt everything they feel. And it’s so frustrating to me that I can’t help them more. And it’s even more frustrating that I can’t stop myself from feeling their loss or their helplessness or their desperation or whatever it is.

“Then there’s…” He pauses, wondering if it’s even a good thing to mention this now. But Brian gives his hand a gentle squeeze, and he feels like he needs to. One half down, one to go. “Then there’s their love for me. They dedicate so much of their time to us, and are clearly completely infatuated with us, but like… What for? We spend so much time up on a stage, being loved and cheered for, and then we meet these people and they say they love us, they praise us, and it’s like all the love in the world has been, like, shoved into one person, you know? So how do you go from that, to an empty hotel room?

“How do you go from being the center of affection in one place, but then come back to none of it once it’s all over? How can you do that, and not just- be reminded of the fact that you have no one? Of the fact that no one trusts you enough to love them. Or fuck, loves you enough to be with you. Just- being lonely. I feel so loved in these moments, man, but like, once it’s all done, I’m just as fucking empty as this fucking room.”

He’s not sure when it happened, but at some point his voice lowered down to a whisper, and he’s definitely not going to look up now, because he fucking refuses to fucking cry in front of Brian. But just saying all that, out loud, is good. It makes it real somehow. Dan takes a shaky breath, just now realizing how tight his hold on Brian’s hand is. Neither of them seem to mind. Dan needs it right now anyway.

The bed dips, and suddenly Brian is sitting on it too, in front of Dan, and he moves his hand so he can take Dan’s in his, with the other one coming up to his cheek. This time Dan does gasp, because he’s not entirely sure what’s happening, but he appreciates the contact nonetheless. Still, he looks down, unable to face Brian when he’s being so pathetic.

“Danny, I need you to listen to me very carefully now. You don’t have to look at me, you don’t have to say anything, but please listen,” Brian says, in one of the softest tones Dan has ever heard. It’s new, and he’s not sure what to think of it, or if it means anything. “I know about your empathy issues, and I know what this kind of stuff does to you, but that’s part of what makes you you. There are so many reasons for why it makes sense for you to feel what you hear others are feeling, and one of them is that, frankly, you are an incredibly good person. Some people would just let their fans pour their hearts out to them, and then wave them off like they had no effect. Others might even talk about the stories behind their backs like it’s a joke. Some might not even listen. But you. You not only listen, but you absorb it, you feel it. That’s why they love you so much, that’s why they trust you with their stories. Because they know you’re not just going to run off unaffected by what they’ve said. And that’s what’s so great about you. One of the many things that’s so great about you.”

Brian’s words hit Dan right through the heart, and this time he lets the tears pool in his eyes. He still can’t look up, but he can feel Brian’s thumb gently brushing away some of the tears that fall. He never even thought that Brian thought so highly of him, noticed the empathy thing, or even that Brian would make that comparison. Dan starts aching for the people who have told others in his position similar stories and then have been brushed off or laughed at, and he chokes back a sob.

“As for the other thing, well, I’ll admit I had no idea that was how you felt about it,” Brian admits, and starts stroking Dan’s knuckles with the hand that’s holding Dan’s. “But I’m glad you told me, because it’s clearly eating you up. I’ll definitely make sure Brent books us a double-room next.”

Dan shakes his head. “It’s not just that,” he croaks, bringing his free hand up to Brian’s on his cheek. “It’s not just- show-loneliness, or whatever. It’s all of it. I’m being given all this love, all over the place, but I still come back to an empty room, or an empty bed, or an empty house. Any- Like, any date I go on never works out. I can’t hold a stable relationship to save my fucking life. And it’s like- like there’s gotta be something wrong. Here’s all this love being poured out to me, from friends and fans and family, and it just- feels weird, not being like, I dunno, desirable, I guess.” Well, it’s out now. No going back from this.

He feels Brian squeeze his hand, and even from under his hair and with his teary eyes Dan can see him scoot a bit closer to him on the bed. “Danny, look at me,” Brian says, his voice dry. Or is it choked? Dan can’t tell at this point, but he weakly shakes his head no. “Okay, just whenever you feel ready.” When did Brian become so considerate? “I have a feeling I know where this is coming from, and I hope you know that I mean it in the absolute best way possible that I think it’s complete bullshit.” Despite the situation, Dan lets out a small laugh. Or maybe it’s another sob. “This is why your stupid overthinking head can be dangerous, because once it starts rolling with this train, it’s not going to stop until you believe it. But I need you to know, right here, right now, in this very moment, that none of it is true.

“I know it might not mean much coming from me, but you are absolutely not unlovable, and you’re sure as all hell not undesirable. I’m sorry you’ve made yourself think that way, but I want to tell you that you are amazing. Admirable, even. You work hard, you clearly care for others – and sometimes you care more about others than yourself, which is a conversation for another time – you’re incredibly talented, you’re fun to be around, you’re beautiful, you’re funny, you’re a great friend, and by now I seriously don’t know where I would be without you.”

Dan sniffs, leaning into Brian’s touch, before finally looking up. He can tell that Brian is being completely sincere, which is sort of unbelievable given what kind of person he is. Dan briefly lets go of Brian’s hand to rub at his face to dry most of the tears before he takes it again. He manages a small smile, feeling the butterflies going rampant in his stomach. “D’you mean that?”

At that, Brian smiles, and now takes both of Dan’s hands in his, holding them both between the two of them. “Of course I mean it. Why else would I say it?”

“Yeah?” Dan questions, his voice still a bit croaky. “You think I’m beautiful?”

For a split second, Dan sees the wheels turning in Brian’s head as he can see a hint of red in his cheeks. It’s Brian’s turn to look down, and he sheepishly lifts Dan’s hands up to his lips to give them a gentle kiss. “Yes. I very much do. Because you are, inside and out.” He lets out a laugh, and turns away from Dan for a moment. “Actually, I guess this is as good a time as any to say this so… I’ve been kind of, well actually, a lot attracted to you. For a while. I can’t remember when it started, but I did try to not be. It didn’t work. Obviously.”

Dan is speechless, and now he can definitely feel himself blushing as well. “Brian…” he breathes, but Brian speaks first.

“It’s like an unspoken rule in show biz not to fall for your co-star, and they’re right, it’d be a complete disaster, so I tried not to.” Brian purses his lips and looks back at their joined hands. “But I couldn’t help it. So yeah. Here’s me and that confession. That I think you’re incredibly attractive, a beautiful person, and that, uh… That I love you, I guess is the right thing to say.”

Dan scans Brian’s face, looking for any trace of humor, waits for it to be a punchline, but it never comes. Brian is being sincere. And judging by the way he’s acting, he’s not just saying it to make Dan feel better. He means it. Dan isn’t sure what to do with this information, or if he even should, so he looks back down at their hands, and considers for a moment how well they fit together. And how he hasn’t questioned for a second the closeness and the contact they’ve been giving each other this whole time.

He thinks that maybe some part of himself has always loved Brian like that too. He just didn’t know or hadn’t realized it until now.

“You don’t have to reciprocate, of course, I understand if you don’t,” Brian suddenly continues, and Dan’s heart aches for him now. “But I just wanted to throw that out there. Since we were on a confession route and everything.” He then moves as if to stand up, but Dan pulls him back, and Brian looks at him with a confused expression.

“Don’t,” Dan says meekly, meeting Brian’s eyes again. “Please stay. I want to have you here. If you want to.”

Brian blinks for a second, and then relaxes again, smiling. “I do. And I will. And hey, I meant what I said earlier,” he says, cupping Dan’s cheek once more. Dan instantly decides it’s something he wants more of, now that he has it. “Next time we’ll get a double room. Maybe two beds, maybe one if you want. But I’ll make sure you’ll never feel lonely after a show ever again.”

At that, Dan can’t take his own overflowing emotions anymore and flings himself forward, practically tackling Brian down on the bed in a bone-crushing hug. Brian lets out a grunt in surprise at suddenly being on his back and with an armful of Dan on top of him, but is quick to hug Dan back just as tight. “Thank you, Bri,” Dan says, his voice muffled by both the duvet beneath him, and from having his face shoved into Brian’s neck. “Thank you so much. I really fucking appreciate this, and you, everything that’s happened, everything you’ve done for me, everything you do for me. Thank you, I love you.”

It’s not until he says it in this context that it hits him how true it is, and he turns to his side to look Brian in the eyes, beaming with affection. “I think… yeah, I think I love you too. Is that weird? Is that- too sudden?”

Brian chuckles, and gently brushes some hair out of Dan’s face. “Why don’t you sleep on it, big shot? You don’t have to do or say or feel anything now that you’re not sure about.”

“Okay,” Dan says as he sits back up, offering Brian his hand and pulling him up as well. They then reposition themselves properly on the bed, and even though it’s a little snug, Dan feels content and warm. Brian settles on his side opposite, and takes Dan’s hand once more. Dan gives him a warm smile.

“For the record, if you do feel the same way, then just know that I feel incredibly lucky,” Brian tells him, and Dan feels more warmth spread throughout his body, culminating in the darkening blush in his cheeks. “And just know, that whatever happens, I will always be here for you if you ever feel overwhelmed or lonely.”

Dan’s smile widens and he nods. “I know. Thank you,” he says, before experimentally leaning forward and ever so gently pressing their lips together. It’s only brief, but it feels nice. Not at all as scary as he thought it might be, and his nervous stomach is telling him it would have been. He decides that it’s another thing he would love to have more of. Especially when he sees Brian’s face, all flushed and surprised, before sinking back down on the pillow and kissing Dan again, chaste and sweet. When they part, Dan is even more sure that this is what he needed. What they both needed. “G’night, Bri. And thank you again.”

“G’night, Danny,” Brian replies, “and no problem. Any time. I love you.”

Dan watches for a few minutes as Brian drifts off into sleep, before inching a bit closer and pressing their foreheads together. He’s not entirely sure what any of this will mean in the long run, or if maybe he’s just been so emotionally starved for so long that he will take anything, but quickly thinks better of it. This is not something he would have normally done, even on his worse nights. This is something underlying, something he’s either been repressing or simply hadn’t realized was going on within him. But now it feels real, and he’s happy and not alone. He’s loved, unconditionally and not just platonically, by someone he loves as well. It makes all the difference knowing that now.

“I love you too.”


End file.
